I found sadness in happiness.

I found sadness in happiness. I’d been so solid in the mindset within my contentment. The fullfilment and the current status quo.

And then I escaped.

With little expectation and even smaller finances I escaped for a breath. To a location that I should have known would hold more significance than I figured. Too lands so empty that the vacancy of my heart appeared full.

I escaped the busyness.

From the buildings. To the masses of people. The convenience of take away stores and after hours shops. From normality as I knew it. Escaping the 100s of people that walk past me on a sidewalk any given moment to walking solo on broken dirt roads.

I escaped for a short while. However, I wish I had of hidden a little longer. Routine was abolished. Prediction was unknown. I was nothing but jumbled collection of thoughts and physicality in the middle of a dry Red Sea.

A curious mind absorbing facts and sentiments of a land running through my blood. I found excitement in hikes, held back tears of appreciation for views I had never imagined and felt the essence of sacred canyons I would never have known.

But the sadness came on my return.

Not the flight home or the longest bus journey one hangover could possibly endure but the hours and days in the following tick of the clock, of routine returning and normality knocking.

Surrounded by the people that are busy living their lives. Travelling to and from work rather than traveling the world.

Conversing with folks about daily agendas rather than animal conservation, super powers or future life endeavours.

I frequented the same train to the same monotonous location, with the same unsatisfied mindset.

The self doubt entered.

The questions arose.

My heart became heavy.

And my mind stale.

Then there it was…

Maybe one of the only feelings I can hold tangible connection to over these last few months.

And I felt stuck.

Lost.

Abondon within myself.

Maybe it’s just the post holiday blues. Maybe I’m tired.                                        Maybe I’m just sad – and that’s ok too.

And then that’s where I grew. That’s where I learnt. I listened to music that made me connect. Searched photos that reflected my happiness. Talked with souls that made me believe again.

And I grew.

Reinventing myself. Without feeling sadness on return I would never had reflected the happiness I found on my journey. I need people that don’t see me on sidewalks to appreciate the souls in states of vulnerability. I need it. Not because what I have, where I am or what I am doing is not enough but because it shows me there is more to learn.

There is reason to believe in people once more.

That somethings need to be seen to be believed.

That life is to be lived.

And love is to be felt.

And time is of the essence.

But most importantly that there is more for me to do. That I haven’t reached my potential yet. I can’t even see it. But I am uneasy within my location. Within myself and I can feel a change in the mind.

Something better is coming.

Not because I find sadness in happiness. But I find a happiness greater than I know.

 

thenewmisso